My Dating Life as an Eritrean-American
April 3, 2010 Collaj
Filed under Glocal Spotlight
On the prowl—them, not me.
By Semhar Debessai –
Silly me. Single, and just days into my 27th year, you’d think that my biggest dating fears would have been overcome by now. I—at the very least—thought I was sure of how the story began: boy meets girl, girl likes boy, boy and girl attempt to have a not-too-awkward first date. But it only took a couple of weeks in my hometown of Seattle to realize that even this chapter in the book of courtship had been accepted, on my part, in error.
I should explain first that I am a 1st generation, American-born woman of Eritrean descent (Eritrea is the farthest, eastern corner of Africa). And like many 1st-gen’ers of non-Western roots, the pressure to marry someone with the same cultural make-up hovers obtrusively over your prime dating years. Quickly, you realize that there’s no such thing as “casual” dating. Instead you have a population of young kids weened on the “Don’t forget where you came from” rhetoric of their melting pot-averse immigrant parents.
So, no offense to my twenty-something brethren of the dating world, but the stakes are much higher (and scarier) when you’ve got the aforementioned population giving each other the side-eye, carefully examining their choices because should you *gasp* not have anything else in common besides your parentage, it could very well become headline news in your respective, tight-knit (and undoubtedly gossip-prone) enclave.
But it isn’t the prospect of being fiercely prospected by the opposite sex in my community that has me frazzled. It is the presence of a new participant in this nationalistic romance roulette that has me redirecting my side-eye stare.
Enter: the mother of the (prospective) groom.
With the discovery that the legitimacy of an “arranged marriage” is not a pill that their Americanized offspring are willing to easily swallow, these new Eritrean moms-in-law-to-be have opted for a different, not-so-subtle approach to ensuring an ethnically homogeneous legacy.
Rewind to a few weeks ago. The scene: An uncharacteristically sunny Sunday in Seattle, at church with a predominantly Eritrean congregation. I sit with my mother waiting for service to start when a “church friend” of hers turns around to ask, “Is this your daughter?” My mother smiles and nods in confirmation as I reach my hand out to introduce myself. She accepts my hand and proceeds to inquire further about who I am—basic questions on how old I am, whether I was still in school, did I speak Tigrinia (our native tongue)—and with the occasional observation on aesthetics (“Such a nice smile”). 
Now, this would be totally fine if (a) she was actually asking me these questions, but she wasn’t—she was asking my mother from whom I sat inches away; (b) dropping unsolicited information about her son, who, to my relief, wasn’t there; and (c) the whole thing didn’t begin to have an unsettling, used car dealership vibe to it.
Yeah, you know. It’ kind of like the questions you’d ask if you were looking to buy a, say, 2002 Honda Civic: “How many miles she got on her? Any recent accidents?” The whole exchange ended short of the overly inquisitive woman asking to look under my hood—(for the record, I draw the line at being taken for a test drive).
I guess now would be a good time to say: Gee, I’m proud to be an Eritrean.
With that said, I’m merely speaking on behalf of my culture-juggling generation. Having mastered the balance of having intense cultural pride and, explaining that, yes, I can wear a mini skirt and still be considered a lady, I suggest that the older generation in question slightly adjust their approach to playing Cupid.
One solution would be to let them date. I remember when openly having a boyfriend while still living under our parents’ roof was unheard of in my circle of friends. So how and why, all of a sudden, upon graduating from college, am I expected to swiftly find Mr. Perfect out of this pre-approved pool of Eritrean men?
Most of you probably never heard of Eritrea so you can imagine just how small that pool is here in the States.
So, yeah, no pressure there.
I think anxiety-ridden immigrant parents will find it a lot easier in the long run if they’d allow us the time to decide, through our own experience, who we like. Then picking mates won’t feel like Toys R’ Us during Christmas season—a mad rush that can end with injuries.
Instead, leave the manic, intensely critical inspections of our mate-titude to us: me and the guy who may or may not fulfill all the prerequisites of a community trying to maintain its identity in the ever-changing, multicultural face of America.
And if they still can’t avoid the desire to meddle in our dating lives, I’d also suggest they remember the one thing that remains the same, in any country, for any ethnicity, and at any age. Our initial instinct will usually be to do the exact opposite of what our parents tell us to do. (I’ve got the piercings to prove it.)
Well I’m a Eritrean man and i made a decision i will marry a Eritrean women only because that’s what I want
i guess guys are more logical
While girls are more emotional
But you should have the right to marry who every your heart desires
But would anything in life there are consequences
If you can live with that then that’s up to you solely what choices you make
Terrific work! This is the type of information that should be shared around the web. Shame on the search engines for not positioning this post higher!
My Mr. Right is NOT eritrean, and I couldn’t be happier. The article was real… Very real. Kinda exhausting to see it written down but we love who we are and will not lose that, regardless of who we love.
“I think anxiety-ridden immigrant parents will find it a lot easier in the long run if they’d allow us the time to decide, through our own experience, who we like. Then picking mates won’t feel like Toys R’ Us during Christmas season—a mad rush that can end with injuries.”
Well written. I can relate.
Very well written. This is a perfect glimpse of the realities we go through. Good Job semhar. Very well put.
Semhar, I am in love, Love, LOVE with this article!!!! You so rock, my amazing cousin
You should move to DC, plenty of Eritrean, Ethiopian and even Oromian people in DC!
Also, moms are just nosy meddlers, regardless of culture. Real Talk.
Excellent article…
Very well written..Very true as well..Excellent job on the article Semhar!!! =)
Fab article as always with plenty of well written insight. In parents quest to make their children’s lives better than their own, they lose sight of the fact that we have to be free to find our own happiness…even if it doesn’t look like their expectations. Love your writings and you of course!
Hi,
I found your article to be soo true, myself being an Eritrean-American, I can exactly identify with the sort of pressures that you may be feeling. I noticed you mentioned you are about to be 27 and you feel like your biological clock is ticking, so I wanted to ask you, why not for the sake of your own happiness, go out find the guy that makes you feel wonderful and MARRY HIM? and make beautiful babies and live happily ever after??? after all, this is YOUR LIFE. This is just my .02 cents, thanks!
Very well written..Very true as well..Excellent job on the article Semhar!!! =)
Very well written. This is a perfect glimpse of the realities we go through. Good Job semhar. Very well put.
Fab article as always with plenty of well written insight. In parents quest to make their children’s lives better than their own, they lose sight of the fact that we have to be free to find our own happiness…even if it doesn’t look like their expectations. Love your writings and you of course!
Excellent work on this article. It makes for an interesting and easy read.
Entertaining read and very true! I must say that I love who I love, and can not help that. Plus, we are all God’s children. The last line is TOOO true (I still love you mommy! lol). Thanks for sharing such a great piece
Sem, as a dude who has dated women of other cultures, I can say the scariest thing is being outside of that pool of men and trying to prove yourself a worthy candidate… The obstacles you have you to navigate around are equivalent to minefields. In either case, this is great work as usual!
So really…how many miles on that 2002 Honda Civic?
So well written and insightful!! Will post links to this great piece… As for the subject at hand, God has his own plan – and that’s what will be best for you. Enjoy the journey! :>
Wow! Love this article. As an Eritrean American woman myself I feel very connected to the experience that you write about. A couple of years ago, and after experiencing a couple of eritrean relationships, I decided to not worry about what my family thought and find the man that made ME happy! At thirty, I was over worrying about everyone from my family to my future children. I am happy I did. I’ve never been happier with another person. I just got married to a loving non-eritrean guy. I probably wouldn’t have done it if he wasn’t just so good, full of integrity and respectable. God only knows what will happen in the future, but I do know that I’m lucky to have found him, so I won’t let gossiping ladies, angry habesha men, or anyone else steal my joy.
Very interesting article. I must say for myself it is difficult because there aren’t many Eritreans in my area, but, then again I don’t believe in forcing anything, so in that respect its hard for me to just say i’m going to marry an Eritrean woman. Things are much easier, but i’m willing to deal with the cultural difference if it means I am going to meet someone that will make me happy everyday of my life. I think you have to be selfish in that case, IT”S YOUR LIFE. To find an Eritrean women is still top priority but I am hopefully going to meet some one that is the most compatible regardless of any other factors.
Semhar,
Well written article and I think it may get through to your Eritrean American audience who grew up here more than those who are newer to this country. However I am a strong believer of respecting elderly people and the fact that your mom’s friend at church wanted to set you up should be viewed as positive gesture. Any way the ultimate decision is yours and the person whom you would like to be with.
As for me after being in a non-Eritrean relationships for many years, I was able to find an Eritrean that I thought would be good for me and it was a horrible experience, but I never say never and ended up meeting another Eritrean American whom I am extremely happy with. I believe relationships are 50/50 and you got to compromise some and also get what you want be it from an Eritrean or non-Eritrean. I think most parents would love to see their children get married to people with similar culture but at the end of the day it is the two people in love who make the final decision.
Thanks
Eritrean American living in the east Coast.
I totally disagree with the writer. The logical way of describing the situation is misleading many innocent readers, which I think is a shame.
We need to preserve our heritage. We should not forget where we came from, otherwise we will be lost, which is not a good idea.
As women we should be proud of our upbringing and the modesty that we inherit from our older sisters and mothers, it is just the way it should be.
Needless to say, this rhetorical script is based on an antagonistic perspective that undermines our culture and is entirely self-indulgeous in nature.
I say marry non Eritrean so that the poulatoin grows and diversiies in gene and nationality pool. If you have a drop of Eritrean blood, as your children would have easily 50%, they would be no issue of their Eritreanness. If you go to Eritrea, you would see that a LOT of Eritreans are of mixed heritage.
Well written Semhar. As a 1st gen. eritrean who was born and raised in Eritrea, the pressure and expectation of marrying within my roots is even bigger on me because the habesha community feels that I should be more closer to my roots compared to Eritreans that were born and raised in Amemrica since i have first hand experience. I would have to disagree with that logic. As much as i would like to stay close to my heritage and marry an Eritrean woman that I can relate with…..i refuse to go with the flow at the expense of having a shaky/unhappy marriage which could end up in a disasterous divorce. Undoubtably enough, should i divorce the gossip mill will be even worse for having a failed marriage. I am not completely opposed to the idea of marrying an eritean and i must say to all my Eritrean sisters “YOU ARE VERY VEEEERY BEAUTIFUL WOMEN AND I LOVE YOU ALL SOOO MCUH”, but regardless of what origins my future wife will be…..compatibility is the biggest factor. Ulitmately the older generation may want to play cupid, but they need to realize they don’t call all the shot. Should they dare go as far as disowning you for marrying outside that circle that is definately a bigger crime and more shameful crime than inter-racial relationship. Thanks for the great article, its very refreshing and kudos for speaking what all of us are thinking
Jane Austen lives on in Collaj
Very interesting topic,Eritrean men and women today are in serious dilemma ,who to marry
All I can say is…AMAZING! I love, love, love your article. Great job! I appreciate and applaud you taking time to write this article and have it posted online. I, for one, can definitely relate to EVERYTHING you mentioned being an Eri-American female around your age. I was laughing when I read the ” remember when openly having a boyfriend while still living under our parents’ roof was unheard of in my circle of friends. So how and why, all of a sudden, upon graduating from college, am I expected to swiftly find Mr. Perfect out of this pre-approved pool of Eritrean men?” My friends have the discussion so frequently now that it gives me headaches..lol.
For the topic at hand, I say marry who you love and is compatible, regardless of cultural background. However, BE MINDFUL of what that means with implications for your social and cultural future. Make the decision and live with the consequences…both good or bad. That is life. If it is a person that is Eritrean, then good for you. If the person is not Eri, also good for you. Mom and dad will finally come around. The decision is yours to be made and NO ONE ELSES.
Blessings!
Semhar, I love your article! This is definitely a dilemmma, but in the end it comes down to compatibility. Sometimes, I find myself wondering who “Mr. Right” will be, but I guess only time will tell. I do know that I won’t stress about it and let the man upstairs deal with it.
I absolutely love your article and your sense of humor …. “The whole exchange ended short of the overly inquisitive woman asking to look under my hood—(for the record, I draw the line at being taken for a test drive)” I love it! BTW same goes for the other gender, true there are many single Eritrean female, especially in the DC area where I am from, however I personally experience two main issues:
1/ There are no real venues where single Eritrean men and female can socialize at (if not for the yearly festival and even that is impossible I find it to actually mingle … too much going on, families, kids, etc ….
2/ It is extremely hard to find someone with the qualities you look for in a wife (nothing personal to all my DC Eritrean female reading this) …
Anyway, I stick by my moto … if it’s meant to be it will be … fingers crossed
I want to marry an Eritrean lady, because:
1. Sweet Eritrean comfort : I feel at home when I am amongst Eritreans [at community centers, Eritrean events, Eritrean Restaurants, and Eritrean Family gatherings] …it would not work to ask a non-eritrean to enjoy these things with me, because I don’t expect her to relate …i.e. everyone enjoys what they grew up in. I will feel out of place and home-sick if I am not with Eritreans during the holidays …just something I have learned of my soul ..and she will feel out-of-place to be with Eritreans all the time …
2. As we get older, the more we miss our childhood and upbringing ..better set things up now for later, with an Eritrean partner …
Pray girl and get a hold of jesus! The scripture says delight yourself in the Lord and He shall give you the desire of your hear. I know because it has happened to me. It was crazy how God did it. God bless you and hope you find whatever your looking for.
i would not like to go deep into the likings and preferences of an individual, be it a man or a woman, but i heard about talks in some circles that even reveared psychologists do not openly advocate for one marrying outside of his/her roots. i don’t designate myself as a control freak but the question that was paused at me when i contemplated the idea was ” would you like to spend the rest of your life loving your significant other and kids or lead an anoying life about how your kids have turned out to be non of either you or your spouse’s cultural and religious orientation”? the lady at church( potential in-law to be) could have handled her desire for her son to get married to an eritrean lady differently, like make sure that you and your mother was invited to a function of some sort so they could bump you with her son and then two of you will see how things will proceed as to dating wise. But as is she like our other parents of the 1979( and i say 1979 metaphorically) she jumped into what she knew was according to our customs and culture. Her desire to keep it in the roots is of noble and should to be encouraged. I say it is time that the story of that match maker mullah from iran be taken seriously. Would you have felt differently if say, a concerned Elder or priest, made it his business to be a match maker for eritrean men looking for eritrean woman or vice versa. As far as i am concerned it would not be arranged marriage because childrens of this age have a choice to say no if things aren’t going the way we want them to from say one or two dates after. I like my kind( not imply you don’t) and intend to stick to my kind. And i will explore all options be it the girl woman i see in a mall or cafe or the one my mom talks about, cause at the end of the day it will be up on me to seek the one suitable for me after i met( in any way) and date her( not so 1979).
I find all of this so very interesting…I am an American Girl, but I have a lot of habesha friends from San Francisco. I loved the Eritirian culture, and people, they are so lively and smiling and happy and GOOD…It is amazing. My mother is Greek and Puertorican, and my father was Egyptian (though I never knew him)
Recently, a Eritirian guy who is VERY Christian (Which I find many Eritirians are very in touch with their faith, be it Christianity or Muslim) and it took him 8 months but he finally approached me and asked if I ever would consider a man outside of my race…I laughed and looked at my skin color and said “Last time I checked we were the same color” then he clarified Nationality Wise…
He told me a little about the culture in Eritria as far as dating is concerned and that it’s really not done. I thought this was fascinating…Truly…
I am looking for advice…We have gone on a couple of dates and although he has only been here a year and his English is shaky I can tell he is extremely intelligent and I feel like his family and community would shun him if he dated outside of his race…But I think he’s great!
Anyway, either way, this was a fabulous article!